Today’s News Headlines according to Ancient African Deep Thought
Greetings to the living that can read these words! Your junior reporter is here to arrange a few items as a small snack for today’s journey:
Headline: Finally, a Replacement for the Drum?
The mobile phone uses near-unidirectional radiation to communicate instead of the “old” imperial phone lines, laid down by the conquerors and their Negro minions trapped in the missionary position. To establish phone or rail lines can be a wasteful, deadly, high-energy activity for those who need to move in soldiers and move out loot rather than meeting some civic ideal of public transportation. Oluwatoyin Malik reports in “Mobile technology sweeping Nigerians off their feet” that
Before the advent of GSM in the country, Nigerians would travel long kilometres to other parts of the country just to confirm if their files had been treated in the ministries, their schools had resumed, or if the contract had been approved, and with the bad Nigerian roads, thousands lost their lives on such journeys.
The mobile phone is a utilitarian replacement for the earliest telecommunications device known to man: the drum. Unfortunately, the drum (like the modern personal computer) is a “multi-function device” as it can be used as a music player as well. The ring tones and streaming media of the mobile phone is nowhere near this!
The news about this news comes from the Undercover Black Man.
Headline: Woman’s Relationship with Lunar Cycles Broken by Western Technology?
Is this a clever ruse of the Russians? Is this a victory of the Vikings? Or is it merely the vandalism of the Vandals? The BBC reports in “US approves pill to stop periods” that Lybrel is the new drug that can stop menstrual cycles in women. Breaking a woman’s menstrual cycles breaks her relationship to lunar cycles. Now the eye that commands nutrition can no longer see the sky. Is this a new child of air pollution? Not seeing the sky means that we will not have the knowledge of when to plant our food. There will be a famine in the land. Our bellies will be full with synthetic food and we will be hungry. Without our food from these wise women we will starve and no wise children will be born!
Fortunately, that which was established before speaks! And that which was established before uses these words according to the BBC, “About half the women who tested it in trials dropped out before the end, citing irregular and unscheduled bleeding.” We have a 50/50 chance of seeing the return of civilization. There will be a remnant saved alive among us! J’ah live! J’ah live!
Headline: Those who trust in the shadow of Egypt annoyed again!
Woe to the rebellious children, those great “modern” medical doctors with strong African features who maketh women to lie down on their backs to have children! Woe to those who trust in the invocation of the name “Hippocrates” and use the cutting precision of Western industrial steel to cleanly divide the sounds from the words Hippocrates and hypocrisy—laughing at those who “mistake” them as related! What is your reward for speaking “proper English”?
Our sister Deborah Gabriel reports in “Scientists find evidence proving ancient Egyptians were fathers of modern medicine” that according to Professor Rosalie David, Director of the Knowledge Horizon Centre for Biomedical Egyptology, “It’s showing that very early on, the ancient Egyptians had a very systematic method of treating the sick. It wasn’t just spells and random treatment.” Now, of course, Professor Rosalie David is too “professional” to dabble in the “black politics” of the ancient Egyptians—and Deborah Gabriel my hope is the hope of the captive that you did not waste your time trying to get Professor Rosalie David to validate your existence. It is written: to her it is not given!